Last night was difficult. I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing about thoughts of my sister: how she died, how much I miss her, her kids, and especially her youngest daughter, Talya.
Last night I attended Talya’s class bat mitzvah party. On the way to the party, it felt strange driving to my sister’s yeshuv knowing that she’s not there any more. It was strange going to my niece’s mother-daughter function knowing that my sister won’t be sitting by my side. I was doing a good job suppressing my emotions in front of my niece, but as soon as the bat mitzvah girls we’re singing about how special mothers are while distributing to each one roses, I lost my composure. I felt so overcome with emotion that I began to sob. But I wasn’t the only one. My mother was sitting next to me also sobbing. We didn’t need to say anything, we were thinking the same thing. This is not much of a celebration for my niece, who has to celebrate her bat mitzvah without her mother.
I’m one of those individuals who cannot stop crying once those flood gates open. Although my eyes are swollen and it’s emotionally exhausting, crying is a great release. So I have been crying a lot today.
This is the reason why I’m wearing sunglasses today. I’ll be covering my puffy eyes while doing grocery shopping, while picking up the kids from school and even while taking out the trash.
So If you ask me if I’m ok, my response is I’m t-i-r-e-d:
I feel (t)orn apart, (i)nsecure, (r)eally faking my smile, (e)xtremely sad, (d)rowning in my tears….but I’ll be ok. Just not today.